Let me start with the honest truth: there is absolutely no way to guarantee the outcome of contacting a biological family member separated by adoption.
Adoption reunion is complex, and very few birth families or adoptees are adequately prepared for it. Plan on being as patient and accommodating as possible when you reach out for first contact.
Here are a few tips I strongly recommend, as an adoptee who has gone through reunion myself:
1.Get therapy or coaching first.
This is important. It is especially important if you think adoption/relinquishment has had very little impact on you. Having a chance to unpack and understand your experience of adoption without the added complexity of a reunion is always best. Reunion will trigger early childhood trauma for adoptees and relinquishment-related trauma for birth parents - all the emotions you thought you buried will likely resurface.
2. Avoid intermediaries.
Many adoption agencies offer an intermediary service that will contact your birth family for you. I recommend skipping your agency entirely. Once you have basic contact information, make contact directly yourself. Remember, the intermediary would be in control of one of the most important relationships of your life, and the agency already made a decision to facilitate the end of that relationship. Some agencies will purposely redact information and muddle communications between adoptees and birth parents to discourage either party from examining the adoption too much. Other agencies do a great job. However, even if motives are pure, the agency fundamentally signals temendous loss and absolute authority over a severed parent-child relationship. Their position cannot be fully neutral for all parties involved. Skip them.
3. Keep reunion between the birth parents and the adoptee to start.
Reunion is exciting and interesting and most anyone with half a stake in the situation will be curious about it. Keep them out of it at first. Eventually, other family members can be included. However, at the beginning it is very important that you don't let adoptive parents, half siblings, partners, or grandparents get involved until the two people most directly effected have had time to make direct contact. Birth parents and adoptees need private time to get to know each other and sort out their thoughts and feelings - without the interference of other relationships and family ties.
4. Make your initial communication in the slowest format possible.
There is nothing worse than being put on the spot, both as the adoptee or the birth parent. A surprise DM on Facebook or the shock of a long-lost person's voice on the phone inclines us to a gut reaction - which may cause a birth parent or adoptee to slam shut their protective measures or bite back their hurt. The slower and more writing-focused the contact is, the more time both parties have to collect their thoughts and work through their feelings. I always recommend old fashioned physical mail or email. Offer the slowest possible channel of communication as the primary way to communicate for a while. You can introduce somethign more personal and instant after you have been in reunion for a few weeks.
5. If you aren't 100% sure of identity, ask the other party to corroborate key details (for example, the month of conception or birth). You can provide general information i.e. 'I believe I may be your biological child, born in spring of (birth year). Do you remember my birthday?"
6. Use keywords to introduce options for emotional response:
In your initial contact include phrases like, "You might be surprised" or "The loss of our relationship is still felt in my life." or, "I'm sure this contact is overwhelming, it is a bit for me as well." This reminds both parties there are going to be strong emotions involved and offers a few clues about how those emotions will come out.
7. Clearly lay out gentle expectations.
Don't leave your letter open ended, ("HI IT'S ME!") but don't end it with too many demands either. ("TELL ME YOUR MEDICAL HISTORY AND FAMILY TREE AND WHAT YOUR PERSPECTIVE WAS AT THE TIME OF RELINQUISHMENT PLEASE")
Find a balance and gentle leading tone. I.e.: "I would love to learn more about you and your family, if that is something you are comfortable with. Please reply at your leisure." This guides the other party to a response.
8. Consider enclosing some photos.
Not everyone is a reader or writer, and not everyone is ready to reunite and converse. However, both parties involved in adoption have usually been longing to see who they lost. Being able to recognize features is one of the greatest gifts of reunion.
9. Take absolutely nothing personally.
Absolutely. Nothing. Don't take anything personally. Especially not the length of time to get a reply, or the initial gush or thoughts or feelings, or the initial stiffness, none of it. Don't read into it, don't assign intent to it, just don't. Take it passively, focus on the long game. The first few points of contact are almost always an anomaly in the reunion relationship as both parties confront deeply buried emotions. Eventually reality sets in. All parties involved usually have to do some thinking and sorting out their own thoughts and feelings.
10. Express a balance of apprecation and encouragement.
Let the other party know how much you enjoyed finding them and tell them you hope to hear from them again.
11. Don't boast or sing false praises.
This is tempting, and often feels like a requirement to justify the adoption seperation. Birth parents may feel the need to defend their life success, 'I am successful and happy and parented three other kids just fine' , while adoptees may feel the need to sing false praises, "my adoptive family was perfect and I have had endlessly great opportunities in life" Don't introduce this dynamic at the beginning. At best, it is probably a gross oversimplification of realities - and at worst, it feeds into the pressure to be 'grateful' and 'griefless'. If the reunion is to be successful, both parties need a chance to step away from that pressure and examine their true feelings about adoption in their life.
Got more questions? Send me a message! I would love to learn more about your experience of reunion.
Additional resources:
Child Welfare Information Gateway's searching for birth family guide
The cumulative state-by-state guide on how to obtain your OBC (original birth certificate)
Search Angels Organization -A non-profit organization that assists with geneology and DNA test results
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