One of my favorite things in the world is getting gifted a book. The sky burns bluer when I find one in my mailbox. The world falls silent when I curl up in my reading nook.
Occasionally, an adoptee sends me a book they themselves authored. It's an honor to be considered among their readers. I do my best to read the book, leave reviews, and pass the story on to another adoptee who might need to hear it.
I'll admit, it takes some time. Memoirs of adoptees are particularly hard. I have to read them in bits and pieces to ensure I have time to absorb the depth of each adoptee's story. It hurts, sometimes, to see the shared pain of so many adoptees woven into the threads of such personal stories. Some of the memoirs are beautifully written, while others I struggle to stay immersed in. Some of the stories are almost too similar to mine, while others are too painful to finish. Sometimes I simply have to set the book down and take a break.
However, I'll never stop reading these memoirs. The mirroring of my own experience and the challenging realities these stories contain is precisely why I read them - and why I think anyone remotely connected to adoption should read them too.
For adoptees, the more we read the words of other adoptees, the stronger our thread of self becomes. Seeing our hidden fears, our quiet pain, and our disenfranchised loss reflected honestly back at us gives us a stronger sense of self.
We all benefit from the adoptee's story, having a chance to see the broad tapestry of adoption more clearly from another adoptee's eyes.
Birth parents can face down the complex realities of their choices securely, without becoming knotted up with the complex emotions and messy trappings of their own relinquishment situation.
Adoptive parents can stitch together an understanding of the peculiar parenting challenges they may have been up against raising their adoptee.
Aquaintances of adoptees can find comfort and affirmation in the patterns within these memoirs, learning the broad complexity of adoption and the myriad of ways their friend, coworker, or partner might be impacted.
Everyone stands to gain from an adoptee memoir.
If you are an adoptee wondering if you should write your adoptee story I would like to take this opportunity to say YES. Please do.
You don't have to publish your story. There are many reasons why you might simply want to write your thoughts out and keep the results to yourself. Many of us are afraid to publish the truth, waiting for the safety of bigger bank account numbers or erected gravestones, fearing the toll the backlash, the judgement, or the criticism might take on us and our loved ones. There are many practical reasons to keep your adoptee story unpublished. But writing it out is a tremendously healing process. Not only does it enable you to organize your thoughts, but it helps you spot themes and patterns in your story that you may have never considered before. You may discover points of healing and growth you never knew existed. Writing out your experience of adoption enables you to be more prepared to discuss and dispute your adoption story if it ever comes into question. I can tell you from personal experience, spending some time ironing out your thoughts really improves your ability to set your own boundaries and define your own experiences accurately.
Tell your story, if for no one else but yourself.
Resources for Adoptee Readers:
Resources for Adoptee Writers:
Severance Magazine - publishes micro-memoirs
Comments